CHENEY TO UNDERGO SURGERY TODAY, BUSH TO BECOME PRESIDENT FOR A DAY

Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital on Saturday to undergo minor surgery to replace the battery that powers a device monitoring his heart rhythms. During Cheney’s annual physical last month, doctors tested his implanted cardioverter-defibrillator and learned that the battery powering the device had reached a level where replacement is recommended, Megan McGinn, deputy press secretary for Cheney, said Friday. The surgery will be performed at George Washington University Hospital.

In related news, doctors have checked and given a clean bill of health to the puppet strings currently attached to President Bush's head, arms, legs and mouth. However doctors will closely monitor the President's brain wave patterns today, which may attempt to take advantage of the Vice-President's anesthesia during his surgery today and form an original thought all his own, scary as that is. The attempt by the Vice President to transfer the power of the Presidency during his surgery to William Kristol and the Project for a New American Century were rejected by the courts as an "ironic waste of time." Today will mark the first time in U.S. history that an inanimate object assumes the power of the government, if only for a very, very short time.