DOES IT REALLY MATTER HOW IOWA VOTES?

The state is 91% white, 51% female, and 65% cold as hell. Their top five exports are hogs (yes, their number one claim to fame is the producing and exporting of friggin' hogs, folks), corn, soybeans, oats and cattle. What they do not tell you is with two of their top five products being hogs and cattle, they are no doubt, the largest supplier of animal dung as well.
Now, to be fair, I have never been to Iowa. Probably should before I die, but I am assuming that when the Iowa winds hit just right, when the summer months with their stifling heat is just so, I can only imagine the stench would be enough to knock multiple buzzards off a shit wagon (which by the way is their state bird...look it up). Makes for a great tourism ad doesn't it.

They claim on their state quarter to enjoy a "foundation in education," yet only 21% of their population hold anything more than a high school diploma. Doesn't say much for Guffey's readers, does it?

I have always believed to get a true picture of a state, you should look at their track record of greatness, and they do count many famous people amongst their citizens. Names like Herbert Hoover, George Gallup, Andy Williams and Johnny Carson, which, come to think about it, is not exactly a Mensa meeting is it? In fact, some of their most famous native born citizens are actually famous for who they slept with..........like Tom Arnold (Roseanne Barr), Ashton Kutcher (Demi Moore), William Frawley (Mrs. Murtz), and Mamie Eisenhower (duh!!). Let's face it, when you think of Iowa, you think of Radar O'Reilly, for gawd sakes.

So why on earth, should every Presidential hopeful have to come a courtin' this rural farm belt of a state? With a per capita income of $23,340.00, it just doesn't make sense to spend $85,000.00 per capita courting their damn votes, does it? Could we just give them the money, and concentrate on California and New York for now? Iowa has shown some political savvy (voted for Bill Clinton twice, and Gore once), yet did let the "Pirate party" onto their ballot the same year (2004) they voted for George Bush.

So, I ask again, WHY? Why waste the candidates time roaming all over this rural outpost of a state courting votes at a huge cost? Making them tell lies about being poor as a child, and actually supporting ethanol. Friggin' ethanol? Just how naive are they? The day we fully support the production of ethanol is the day our Secretary of Energy is Orville Redenbacher.

And give CSPAN a break, for God sakes. Their crews have been in every VFW, Elks lodge, Mini-Mart and bait & tackle shop in the state. If I see another millionaire candidate trying to act like they enjoy corn dogs I am going to be ill.

I say, stop the foolishness. I have seen all of the candidates in their buses traveling all over the state seeking votes. Wasting valuable resources on a state with no political importance. No nuance of sophistication, or culture. Hell, in Iowa, you can always tell a good restaurant because they put sausage in their biscuits and gravy. That is the test there. Oh, and pies. They probably make some mean pies there. I am sure they have pie making contests at their state fairs as well.

Right after the awarding of "best hog", or "largest ear of corn 2008."

Trouble is, this ain't no state fair; it is the start of an election process that will determine whether we continue in the Middle East, control spending, and might even replace as many as two Supreme court justices in a four year term.

So, I say to you, keep a residual force in Iraq, keep our troops in Afghanistan, but get our candidates the hell out of Iowa. All except Joe Biden, who actually looks like he belongs there.

And that is "The World According to Kimba"
Thanks for reading

Update: December 24th: At least one person in Iowa agrees with me. Here is a comment from a Starbucks barista "EE" from the blog Starbucks gossip:

"I'm a barista in Iowa and I swear, if one more candidate comes into my store and takes up the entire lobby and parking lot with their freaking entourage, I am going to hit someone. Obviously not them because the secret service would be all over me, but you catch my drift."