Friday, January 30, 2009

SUPER BOWL ETIQUETTE

This may not be much for you, but for people like me, this is about as cool as it gets. An entire season of watching every stinkin' game we can coming to an absolute crescendo. Dissecting each game, each player, defensive and offensive strategies, the works. And it's about to come to the end. The Super Bowl of football.
So lets get real. If you got invited to our homes for the game, nine times out of ten, our wives invited you. We don't need company, just two teams, six refs and two people announcing the game. We are into it. If you aren't, stay out in the friggin' kitchen. Make us some hors d'oeurves, you manly man. That's rule number one. Here are some more....
2. Don't spill anything on my leather couch, especially if it was spilled when you saw something during the game that made you jump up and squeal like a little fucking girl.
3. Absolutely no Styrofoam fingers, pom poms, or any thing with a bobble head, and that includes your worthless piece of shit children.
4. Nothing.....nothin looks dumber than a fat guy in a football jersey and sweat pants. Anyone who wears a jersey should be at least able to tie their own shoes for gawd sakes.
5. Don't try to bullshit us. Don't tell us you were the starting guard for Bumfuck University in 1996, because I have google, and B.U. has a web site, fool.
6. Do not, repeat, do not bring your girlfriend / wife unless she is absolutely smoking fucking hot. This is a guy thing. We want football and cheerleaders and beer and ribs. Anything else is a distraction. If you do bring your girlfriend, she better come complete with a stripper pole for halftime.
7. Shut the fuck up. If we wanted to talk all fucking day, we would still be married.
8. Bring what you drink. What are you fucking diabetic?
9. Do not tell me about your fucking fantasy football league, baseball card files or your comic book collection. They are all queer to me. No that is not bias against homosexuals. Hell, even Andy Dick thinks your fantasy football league is gay.
10. Be a man....hold your fucking liquor. There are three things I do not want to clean up from you during your visit, spilled beer, BBQ sauce on my couch, and your puke.
11. Unless you know the crowd really, really well, never root against the hosts favorite team. Come into my house and root for USC and I will key your car, do your wife, and tell your son you are worried because he will find out you are not his real father.
Enjoy the Game!!! Steelers 31 Cardinals 23
Oh shit....I almost fucking forgot...Here is what I do not want to hear immediately after halftime and the start of the third quarter.....your fucking reviews of the commercials so far, or anything about the half time show unless it involved full frontal nudity. Ready? Break.

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